Past Becomes Present
by passionatelysimple
Summary: When Sara said Ken Fuller she never dreamed that Grissom would find out Ken wasn't a man. CS, hints of GrisSara angst, SaraOC


_**A/N:**_** Slowly but surely I am getting all my stories beta'd, (they definitely need it). So I'll be periodically updating my work with new and improved versions. Anyways, this is the first on the list. Credit goes to ****Protejerinnocencia**** for this one.**

**This was inspired by a challenge by alphawolfgirl2003 on the Catherinesaraloveyahoo group. It is a lone part and I think it came out okay. **

**_Disclaimer:_ The characters of CSI are the property of CBS. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Past Becomes Present**

Is it possible to feel any more awkward than I do now? Hell awkward isn't the right word. I would say I am terrified. Of course I knew this was coming when I accidentally let it slip that the suspects name was Kendall Fuller, after Brass made the mistake of asking me if I knew her. At first I couldn't understand how he knew but then I looked at myself in the one way mirror. I was pale, my eyes were wide and I hadn't taken my eyes off of her for ten minutes.

So this was why I sat in the office of horrors, with three pairs of eyes on me feeling like I want to disappear. The sweat on my hands didn't help my composure so I ran my hands down my thighs. It was even more unnerving that the eyes followed my every movement. Why did I have to open my mouth in the first place? Better yet why did Brass have to ask me if I knew her?

"Sara, can you please enlighten us on how you know the witness?" I could see Grissom's eyes eyeing me suspiciously. Why couldn't he just have one of his normal days when he didn't notice anything? _'Well maybe if you didn't tell him you knew the witness it would be one of those days.' _I almost laughed out loud at the incredulousness of the situation. Even my mind was against me.

I didn't know how much longer I could hold off replying. I knew I would have to tell them about my relationship with Kendall. She always loved to see me squirm and would not miss this opportunity to do so. Maybe I could just go home and shack myself in my apartment and let her do it. It would be easier, I wouldn't have to see anyone and lying is sure as hell a lot less stressful than this.

Then I looked at Catherine and remembered that she had a key to my apartment. Now it didn't seem like the great idea I thought it was a month ago.

"Sara, honey, please tell us." I wanted to look into Catherine's eyes but I knew right now I couldn't. How could I tell my girlfriend I had been lying to her about my past relationships with women? She wasn't my first long term relationship. I didn't really know why I lied to her until now. Someone had a weird way of punishing me for my mistakes.

I didn't tell her about Kendall because I didn't want to talk about something I had sealed off, determined not to think about it again. It had only been two months into our relationship and I just didn't feel ready to tell her how Kendall was the reason I became a CSI.

I could remember the exact day, the weather, and time. We were walking to our dorms from the library. I always found it funny that a beautiful girl like her could keep up with my insomniac demands. She always wanted to spend every minute with me, which was a change from what I was used to as a child. No one wanted me unless it was to fulfill their needs. At first I always thought she had some hidden motive, as I usually did when faced with people. It took a while but I realized she didn't. We had been dating for four years by now and I could remember the happiness she made me feel just by being near me.

It was getting dark outside and she shivered from the cold. I took off my jacket and gave it to her. I could remember the smile on her face like it was happening in the present. It was probably because it was the last genuine smile she ever gave me. We were almost to the dorms when I heard a sound behind us.

I turned around and there were two guys standing there. We quickly turned around to run and saw our path was blocked by another two guys. I tried to fight them off, not stopping when I was punched in the face or stomach. I actually thought I might be able to buy Kendall time to run until one guy hit me over the head with a rock. The last thing I heard were her screams.

"Sara? Are you okay?" Grissom's voice brought me out of my musing of the past. I knew that I had to say something so I decided to say what I knew Kendall would say. She would not talk about that night, even if I was in the room.

"Yes, I was just thinking." I smiled when I saw the shocked faces in front of me. They must have thought I was incapable of answering after they had been trying to get me to talk with questions for the past hour.

"So, about the witness…if it's…"

"No. We had a relationship for four years. I told you about her Grissom. Ken Fuller, March of '93…"

Grissom dropped the pencil in his hand and looked at me in shock. I couldn't tell if it was because I just outed myself or the fact that I lied about being a member of the mile high club by saying Ken not Kendall.

"You…Kendall is Ken? How can they be the same person?"

I rolled my eyes at his question and the stupidity of it but answered it anyways. "When I told you about how I joined the mile high club I didn't want to say her full name for obvious reasons so I shortened it to Ken knowing you would think I was talking about a man."

"But I thought…Why didn't you tell me?" I was about to reply 'I did' but I knew he wasn't talking about the mile high club or even Kendall, he was talking about me not telling him I was gay.

I really would call myself gay. I have only been attracted to two men in my life, a coworker at the coroner's office and the man sitting in front of me. Nothing ever came of the attractions in my coworker's case because of me and in Grissom's case because of him. I know I would have tried to make something work between us but it now seems like water under the bridge when I look at Catherine.

"I just didn't know how to tell you. It is not a topic you can bring up over evidence." He still looked at me with hurt in his eyes. This confirmed my suspicions of him still having feelings for me. "Besides, no offense, Brass but the LVPD isn't that supportive of the gay community."

I looked at Brass to see a look of understanding in his eyes as well as the support I knew I would get from him. After my DUI we became good friends. He looked out for me almost like the dad I never had.

"You still could have told me," Grissom sighed and looked down at his desk.

"You're right I could have told you and should have." I couldn't think of anything else to say so I just stayed quiet. I chanced a look at Catherine and saw the shock, anger and question in her eyes that I knew I would have to answer later. "Uh…since I can't work this case can I just go home?"

Grissom looked up with the same stoic face. You could only tell how hard he was taking this news by the way his voice sounded when he spoke. "Sure."

I smiled at all three of them and mumbled a 'thanks' before I hastily left.

**888**

I had been lying in my bed for no more than 15 minutes before I decided sleep was not an option. I quickly shed my pajamas and turned on the facets. I didn't usually have baths but I had a hidden guilty pleasure when it came to bath oils, beads and bubble baths. Just the smell of lavender made my body relax. I climbed in and felt the tension of today fly away as did my thoughts.

I woke up in a hospital room. I had been in enough as a kid to know one when I saw one. Truthfully that experience wasn't what made me realize where I was, it was the steady beeping of the monitor beside me. I opened my eyes thinking that even at twenty-two I still hated the hospital.

I could remember the pain of my right eye when I tried to open it. Experience did help me this time and I realized my eye was swollen shut. I tried to sit up but my ribs and the marching band in my head protested. I was about to lie down again when the events that were the reason I was lying here came storming back.

A nurse came in telling me to lie down. I asked about Kendall and she told me she was in the room next to mine and I needed to get some rest before I could see her. I asked her how bad I was hurt and she started to name off familiar injuries. I smiled ruefully thinking it was just like old times.

"Sara?" I jumped when I felt a warm hand on my arm. My eyes flew opened in panic. No one was supposed to be here to touch my arm. "Babe, calm down, it's just me." I calmed down a bit when I heard Catherine's voice_. 'You idiot don't calm down! She's going want to know about Kendall!'_

Catherine must have seen the fear in my eyes because she said, "Don't be scared, Sara. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want too. Now, let's get you out of here. I'm sorry to say it is too late to save you from looking like a prune."

"Not very sexy is it? I guess I'm not getting any tonight." I kidded with her trying to assure her I was okay. At first I really didn't believe I was okay but I am ok, I think. What happened with Kendall was so long ago and until now I hadn't realized I had forgiven myself.

"Your body looks delectable even if it does look thirty years older than it is," she smirked at me and I just laughed. She smiled when she heard me laugh and I pulled her in for a kiss. I knew the talk I had to have with her would be hard but I wanted to do it.

**888**

"After a couple days the swelling of my brain had gone down so I was able to see her. I knew she had to look bad but what I saw was horrible. She was in a coma. Her parents were at her side, obviously crying for their daughter. When they looked up at me I saw so much hate in their eyes that I left the room," I began.

I went to see her once when I thought her parents weren't there but I was wrong. They saw me sitting by her side and started yelling such mean things. I can't really remember what they were. I was too busy trying to block them out. It's something I picked up on at a young age," I continued.

I didn't want to go into my childhood or anything to do with it. I mistakenly said the last line and I could see she didn't miss it. I hoped in time I could tell her, but right now it was too much. I didn't want to dwell on that thought so I continued.

"I left and stayed in my room until I was discharged. I had two months left of Harvard and once that was done I ran to San Francisco. I got a call a couple of months later from a mutual friend telling me she was awake. I went to the hospital and she was sitting on her bed. When she saw me she started to yell about how I ruined her life and how I let those guys do that to her. She just kept yelling and I stayed silent. When it looked like she was done I told her I was sorry, which is really all I could say. It wouldn't have done any good to tell her I wish it was me those guys attacked and not her. And then she showed up today," I rambled on.

I knew I had to apologize to Catherine for lying but I didn't know how. I knew about most of her past relationships and how they ended and I still lied to her. I realized I was crying and I tried to wipe the tears from my face but they just kept coming. She held me tighter until the tears decreased enough to be just sniffles. I rolled over in her embrace so I was facing her. I could see the anger and remorse in her eyes. At first I thought it was because I lied to her but then she made me realize it wasn't.

"God, Sara I never knew. Today when you said you had a long term relationship with her I was shocked and angry that you would lie to me but now I see why you did it. You didn't want to tell me because you didn't want to open the wound of what happened, not because you just didn't care about our relationship and were trying to hide yourself again."

She pulled me closer for a kiss. It was a kiss meant to convey everything our words did. When she pulled away I asked her a question I had been dying to know. "You interviewed her today..." I inwardly cursed myself for not being able to ask the question I wanted. I didn't really know why I couldn't but I hoped she would read more into my words and understand what I wanted to know.

"We did. She told us about your relationship but when Jim asked if she wanted to see you she said 'never again.' I'm sorry, Sara." I smiled sadly at her; half knowing that is what she would say. I wasn't expecting anything else but I still had a bit of hope that one day she would be able to get past her attack to forgive me.

"It's okay. I just really wanted to know more for my benefit than hers."

Catherine nodded in understanding and I smiled. After a couple of minutes she rolled me over so she was on top of me looking down into my eyes. "What is it like to have sex on an airplane?"

"Well I told, Grissom it was highly overrated but it really wasn't."

"Really?"

I saw the glint in her eye and decided to tease her a bit. "You want to join the mile high club baby?"

"Right now, an airplane is too far away," she voiced, her cobalt eyes darkening a shade.

I was going to reply with something smart assed but my mouth was otherwise engaged. '_Maybe she would enjoy a trip to Hawaii'_ was the last thing my brain thought before thinking became impossible.

**The End**


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